Over the last day or two I've delved back into guro, boys being in pain.


The world is so vast and intimidating, it's always helped me to feel like I am working towards something, to pretend I am not a hamster spinning my wheel, to create meaning in nothingness. When I don't do this, when I retreat to what is easy, of endlessly seeking short-term validation from a gallery of potential suitors, I get incredibly depressed.

In this state, I feel in stasis. Not going anywhere, not building anything, just existing, not peacefully, but existing. I am, often rightfully, afraid of this state. I have a fear of doing nothing.

Not that it was a cure-all or anything, but I think this is a lot of why Melee was so big in my life. It supplied something to work towards, internal validation, and validation from those around me. It both did and didn't have a visible end point, and I always had it to prevent me from entering stasis. I was never doing nothing, I was always working towards improvement.

I haven't touched Melee for a few months now, and I don't know if I ever will again. The last few days, my fear of doing nothing, of having no impact, has put me back into stasis. I am working on getting out, but I am also working on becoming less afraid of it.

It's okay for me to do nothing. It's okay for me to spend all day high and playing Batman: Arkham Asylum. I have to not be so afraid of it if I don't want it to overwhelm me. Not every day has to be the day I set a world record, or earn a couple hundred thousand dollars, or create the most profound art of the last thirty years.

I still want to do the things I love, and improve at them, but I must accept that things take time. Tomorrow, I will work out a little, I'll go to work at Cineplex, I'll read some comics, see some people I love, watch some wrestling. And I might not end the day drastically closer to being a great wrestler, but it's a day, it's work, and it's just as important as the day I have my first match, as the day I have my last match, because every day is a fight to stay alive and spread love.

Tommorrow I will look at the boys suffering on my phone. Maybe why I like them so much is because they aren't in stasis, they are doing what they're meant to, and the pain is all-consuming. They don't have goals, the only thing they can focus on is the blistering pain they're in. Maybe I'm just pulling this out of my ass.


I love you.