What is a man? (I promise this is not an AI slop chad TikTok WWII edit! Or a commercial for deodorant!)
I often go back and forth on calling myself a man, or boy, or masculine. I've told trans friends that they can he/him me on many occasions, I've even asked for it. I've also been on HRT for a number of years, specifically estrogen injections.
As both a child and adolescent, a somewhat strict idea of masculinity was forced upon me, largely by my father. And it's one that I didn't, and couldn't fit. But now I see the masculine figures I look up to, whether aesthetically, morally, or otherwise, that mold masculinity for me, that I want to emulate to whatever extent and...
My dad loves Wolverine. My dad would approve of "Hangman" Adam Page. Was my rejection of masculinity just teenage angst? Was it a result of more generalized abuse? Did it have to do with the religion I was brought up in? Was it a consequence of the incredible anxiety I experienced from a very young age?
I don't know! It's not like there aren't femme presences in my life I look up to, but lately I have been very drawn to men. To deconstructing the idea of what a man is, particularly the Western idea of the burly, strong man with strong morals, the protector, the provider. There is so much wrong with this caricature, and society has experienced countless ramifications from a society ruled by men. I've gotten off lucky, but would my childhood have been as disastrous given a less mysoginistic world?
What I want to do is take what I like of masculinity, acknowledge what's wrong with it, and craft my own private sect of masculinity. Is this possible? Maybe. A good start might be listing what it is I like about masculinity.