I dunno. Things overall have been going pretty well. I can struggle a little bit to voice my concerns to Vegas but I am doing much better in that regard than I have in the past. I have been doing much better managing the thorny emotions as they come up than I used to. Again, it's not perfect, but progress is just that. Progress. I felt some familiar emotions on my birthday, but having better tools and Ciel on call was helpful. The biggest thing that helps me is that when these problems arise, and I start to feel so horrible, I remember that there is no problem. There is nothing wrong with my friend(s) spending time with other people. They still love and care for me, and are excited to be with me. If there is any problem, it's the way my brain auto-generates terrible feelings and hypotheticals when these situations arise. The other thing that's helped a bit, is the radical acceptance of pain. It's always going to have a presence in my life, no matter what. That's okay. I can learn to navigate it, and to address it, but it will always exist to some capacity. A life with pain is so much more beautiful than one without. I love Vegas unapologetically. I think I do, at least? Maybe I just like the attention he gives me, how beautiful he makes me feel... Sometimes I think this is true, but I also just like his presence, his ideas, his energy. I like the way he's a little bit addicted to geopolitical left-wing commentators, even if does kind of annoy me. I love his propencity to be silly in public in front of, and with strangers. I love that he doesn't mind dragging a bit on a little too long. I like that he gets really autistic and can tell me all about various substances. I love that he can make me laugh. I love how wonderful he is at crafting things. I dislike how insecure I can be in our relationship. A part of me wants him to be my boyfriend. Even now, in our somewhat romantic close friendship, I can feel myself get uninterested in other partners, romantic or sexual. I wonder if that means I'm monogamous. I can imagine myself in the future being more interested in that, and it seems like right now I am just really in love with him, and he's kind of what I want right now. We are both in somewhat vulnerable states and scary parts of our lives right now. He is in a tumultuous point of a very long-term relationship which he has relied on for support for a long time. He doesn't know what the future looks like, his ability to work a standard job with his brain is at the very least incredibly challenging, if not impossible. His living situation, while stable, kind of sucks in a lot of ways. Without the ability to provide for himself, it's difficult to change that. I am coming out of therapy after an incident which forced me to self-reflect on a lot of who I am and was, and improve on that. It also isolated me from the community I've been a part of for over 10 years. It's my own doing, and I am working to improve myself every day, but it's still hard. I am also on a path that does a lot of betting on myself to make it. I could fail totally as a wrestler, who knows. It's scary and I don't feel quite ready for it, but I want it so badly. I feel like I need to grow up a bit more and start pulling my weight more, especially financially. Having Vegas in my life again has been scary and challenging, but I forgot just how much I missed him. I want to make this last long-term, and that means good communication, lots of work, and lots of love. It feels like we could very foolishly and quickly rush into a relationship if we wanted to. I feel like it would be bad for both of us, with the expectations it sets. I want Vegas to be my boyfriend, but I want it to last. I want to love him in something that is on solid ground. No matter what I feel in the moment, I will not ask or accept Vegas being my partner for now. I will check in with this sentiment in a month, and reassess. I will keep doing this monthly until it feels safe, or perhaps I come to the conclusion that it's just a bad idea regardless. Gonna keep working on myself. I love you.