I don't think I have it in me to format this one nicely, at least not tonight. The last few days have been pretty tough. I can't tell if I love Vegas, or if I love affection, or if I love the idea of Vegas. I do find so much endearing about her, she's so gorgeous, so sweet, so talented. Sometimes I think he makes jokes that aren't funny, or low-effort. It makes me feel like I am pretending to love him, because I need affection. Sometimes he annoys me by talking my ear off when I am really trying to focus, or just, fine, I'll say it, out of spoons. But, that boy does make me smile. Very few people make me genuinely laugh, and he does. Maybe he doesn't hit 100% of the time, but that's pretty fucking normal. He makes me laugh of his own volition, and I can count on one hand, MAYBE two, people who do that. It's not that I dislike the people around me, I am just a little bit of a prude when it comes to humor. It's not even that it's hard to get a giggle out of me, I think people are SO funny by just being themselves, not by telling jokes, really often. Either way, Vegas makes me laugh. My Name is Earl becoming an ICE officer is so fucking horrible and evil, pretty funny. I love that girl. She will never be monogamous. I don't really think I am either. I just have BPD. I want to be her best friend, and I want her to have fun and fulfilling relationships with people other than me. That's the hardest part. I want her to be happy. With my brain and personality disorder, I just have a hard time knowing/witnessing her enjoying the company of others. Ideally, I want her to have that, and I want to be her best friend who supports her, gets to kiss him tenderly, and be supported back. That would be so sick! I want, someday, to be sweet, loving boyfriends, who support each other in life with tender care and understanding. Can I do this? Holy fuck, I hope so. Why do I get upset? Why does this happen? I think it's because I feel discarded, abandoned, completely worthless once affection is shown to someone else. It's so hard! It feels deeply rooted in my brain, like despite all my learned knowledge, it's deeply planted, and will rear its ugly, overwhelming head when it can hurt me. I am loved. I am so loved. Someone I love, like Vegas, having sex with someone else in my life, like Will, does not mean Vegas doesn't love me. Vegas does love and care about me so much, she tells me so often. She loves me so much, and wants me so tenderly. She wants what's best for me, and she is also a goddamn pervert about me. I realize now that like, she may actually be shy about inviting me to hang out? Which is a little absurd? I want to hang out with him all the time! He's so fucking cool. I do get stressed out around him due to the abandonment kicking in, but generally, I like him a lot. I like being around her. I want to be with her. Vegas is not going to have sex with someone that isn't me, and realize that she hates me. I am self-proclaimed really not that horny these days, I have so much I want to do in this world, and oft it isn't really having sex. Sometimes I become a pervert, sometimes it is. Maybe I'm demisexual? I do want to fuck Vegas, it's fun. I also wish my dick worked. Sitting here in my bed typing this, it all seems so simple. All I have to do is be okay with everything, follow some DBT resources, and not be pained. In practice, it is much harder. I want to be not crazy so badly. I just get put in such, overwhelming pain when it happens, when I really think about it happening. That's not totally true, right now I feel mostly okay. She could be having sex right now, having fun, and it hurts a little, but it's okay. I want her to be happy! And I know she's still excited to strap-fuck me and tell me she loves me. To squeeze my cheek, kiss me, and tell me how beautiful I am. She will slightly mis-remember news stories at me, I'll fact-check and we'll giggle about it. I'll splurge on a little treat. We'll watch some cartoons together. Maybe we'll go for a bike ride, maybe we'll stay inside. We'll have some hard talks, because those are important for us to function. She doesn't owe me anything. We both work together to support each other, and be happy with each other, because we love each other. I love her! Oh my god, I love her dude! Fuck! I will keep trying, I will keep working at this. I need to sign myself up for DBT therapy ASAP, September is a little far, even though I still want to do that too.